No Sweat

I’m thinking of starting a gym for people who bend backwards not to perspire during work-outs. (You know, of course, that bending backwards is not a medically approved method for keeping dry…)

I envision a gym for people who don’t bring towels in their duffle bags and who take enormous pride in their under-active sweat glands. A place for gym attendees who stand tall knowing that they leave behind no traces of residue on the machines they’ve visited. A work-out site for those of us who’ve done our best to avoid the company of “wet wipers,” the wretched visitors who openly mop their drenched foreheads in mixed company…

Three random sweat glands will be probed as part of the new membership screening process. Candidates who test positive for a tendency for dampening gym equipment will receive a long list of less selective gyms where sweating is tolerated. Applicants with sweat glands that pass the test will be given a free month of membership, a thermometer to ensure that active participants remain within the safety zone for sweat prevention, and a subscription to Dry Hands weekly, the news guide for virtual non-sweaters.

I acknowledge that absolute absence of leakage is in fact an elusive ideal. The President’s Fitness Council reported that even so-called non-sweaters release a sub-microscopic dribble at times. In recognition of this disclosure, the membership committee will evaluate how a prospective member’s perspiration volume compares to normal guidelines for sweating and will not expect to find perfect scores.

Every July 4th, I’ve decided, members will compete to see who perspires least after a series of arduous exercises are performed in thermal underwear in a local sauna. Finalists will receive t-shirts that say: “Virtual Non-Sweater” and will be invited to sit on the gym’s float at the Independence Day parade. The winner will wear a vest that says: “I stayed dry– why not try!”

Also present at the parade will be Dr. Josephine W. Cantor who wrote her dissertation on the health merits of not sweating. Research reveals that people who don’t perspire have stronger immune systems and live up to three months longer than those with uncontrolled sweat glands. Her autobiography, No Sweat, reports on techniques on how to suppress sweat glands and lose weight.

Next Tuesday, I will be meeting with sports apparel entrepreneurs to explore the longevity achieved from eliminating wet spots on athletic wear. A special saline-sensitive fabric will soon be in the works to detect sweat drops for transitional apparel. When a sweater first seeks new meaning as a non-sweater, neon stains will clarify where transformation is still required. Investors are invited to join us.