Horace Digby

Looking for Bob Newhart (on eBay)

by Horace J. Digby (from his website www.lexingtononfilm.com)

My pal Pam Gilbert-Bugbee never ceases to amaze me (or perhaps worry is a better word). But this time she had a great idea. I Recently got word that Bob Newhart and Dave Barry will be guests on an online radio show, The Horace J. Digby Report, that I do for A3Radio.com out of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Naturally I’m bouncing off the walls trying to learning all I can about these great humorists before the interview. That’s where Pam comes in. “Have you tried looking on e-bay?” she asked.

In her inimitable way (which I think is also the name of a freeway in Honolulu) Pam had hit upon something really big. Following her advice, I immediately typed in “Bob Newhart eBay” into my search engine and found an autographed photo of Bob Newhart on eBay for just ten dollars (or perhaps it was the shipping cost that was ten dollars, but either way, it’s a steal). Some people might think it looks foolish to buy a Bob Newhart photo personally autographed “To Connie and Carla.” But the joke’s on them, because my lawyer pal, Caufbaugh Twilley, assures me we can have my named changed to “Carla and Connie,” for just another hundred and fifty bucks. Who looks foolish now?

The whole thing started me thinking (which is still legal in most states) and I realized that if eBay found Bob Newhart so quickly it could probably find other things too.

When I was seven years old, I earned about four dollars, in pennies and nickels by returning soda pop bottles. Because I was seven, I kept the money in a small leather pouch tied with a leather thong. One day while I was swinging the pouch around by the thong (I was still seven) the thong came untied and bounced up under my parents’ sofa never to be found again. It probably went into the framework of the sofa, but exactly where I never did discover.

It turns out, if you type “eBay leather pouch” in your search engine, it will only take 0.13 seconds (unless you accidentally type “leather couch” and “leather punch” your first two tries like I did) to get 699,000 references to leather pouches.

My thought right now is that some fellow in Cleveland is probably trying to sell my leather pouch on eBay.

If eBay can find Bob Newhart and a missing leather pouch what else can it find? This will revolutionize laundry day. That missing sock will be a thing of the past.

— Horace J. Digby
Winner of the Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor

P.S. I just typed in “eBay leather pouch Cleveland” and got 33,200 hits. They must be running some sort of leather pouch clearing house out there.